Turkey, it's what's for dinner.

Today its been a balmy 74 degrees outside...perfect weather, and a fantastic day. Ending it with the windows open in our apartment and some delicious turkey burgers, corn on the cob, and ice cold sweet tea...wish you were here!

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"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything..."

This one's for the girllllssss! (sung in a high pitched falsetto of course) Really, it is...sorry in advance all you guy followers out there, but **SPOILER ALERT** this blog is going to be completely and totally about the tawdry ogling of men. Now I certainly don't condone the objectification of men and women, but I stole this quote from one of my favorite movies, and gosh darnit guys...I'm pulling this card today.

"And let me be clear. After CENTURIES of men looking at my tits instead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the DIVINE right to stare at a man's BACKSIDE with vulgar, cheap appreciation...if I want to!"

So with that said, there will be a certain amount of "cheap appreciation" in today's blog, but I think you'll find that in addition to the obscene manhandling of the male body, I'm also a ginormous supporter of going deeper, and how a man can be attractive in so many...not so mainstream ways. You'll see.

I've on numerous occasions discussed the attractiveness or unattractiveness of certain celebrities with my sister...for lets say...hours. (ok ok, we really have a lot of time on our hands) Now don't get me wrong, its indisputable that Ryan Reynolds is the sexiest man alive. My sister would love to have, as she so eloquently puts it "consensual sexual relations" with Taylor Lautner. But c'mon, these guys are a given. On the outside, they're "really really ridiculously good looking" (cue Zoolander accent) but what else have they got to offer? Here is where I make my point. I think...I'm fairly 94.6% sure... that if given the choice between an amazingly good looking guy or a funny/smart/intelligent one...the funny one would win every time.

Hi, my name is Jessica and I like funny guys. I should be attending Funny Guy Oglers Anonymous, its ridiculous. I have a huge and unhealthy crush on Adam Sandler. Seth Rogen's laugh combined with his delicious "jew-fro" (no offense) makes me wanna hug and squeeze him in a slightly obsessed-Glen Close-Fatal Attraction kinda way. Does that make me weird? Apparently, if CNN knows what they're talking about, I'm not the only one...thank God! A recent article on their website titled "Why Funny Guys Get the Babes" cites a study that indicates that women view humor as a sign of intelligence. And if you believe that we've evolved from cavemen, then an intelligent mate meant that us womenfolk wouldn't get eaten by a giant velociraptor or drug off into a cave by a hungry wooly mammoth.

So it all makes sense now...funny=intelligent=good provider...in a very roundabout way. The good part is we really don't have to understand the deep scientific neurological mumbo jumbo that makes us feel this way. We can now rest easy knowing that its ok to be strangely attracted to Steve Carrell if you want to, and that you can always blame your ancient ancestors if your "I heart Michael Scott" t-shirt gets weird sidelong glances.

So what does this mean for guys? It means BY ALL MEANS, don't stop doing some light manscaping if need be. Don't stop showering or brushing your teeth. It means do NOT wear the same shirt you already spilled spaghetti on for two days in a row. And certainly do not stop keeping your junk tight. But, if all else fails, and you weren't blessed with the rugged good looks of a movie star remember the immortal words of Marilyn Monroe "if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.."

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Dont worry, bout a thing..

I promise I'm going to update you all with a fantastical new pontification on some obscure topic tomorrow, but for now the beach is on my mind, so I'm sharing a little bit of it with you all. Today I ran 6 miles along the Corpus Christi beach, jammin' to some Bob Marley, and all I can say is..euphoria. An epic run, with great people, and the beautiful backdrop of the Corpus Christi sunrise (pictured above). If you love the beach, and you love jammin', then you'll appreciate this mini post :)

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On Becoming My Mother...

A Guest Blog by my Amazing friend Meg.

Growing up, I would have done anything to avoid it. My boyfriend uses it as a scare tactic. Some may call it a curse, but we have all been there. Yes ladies, we are slowly turning into our mothers.

For those of you who are too young to have experienced this phenomenon, just wait. It seems that whatever habits irritated the living crap out of you throughout your childhood and adolescence will start to emerge in adulthood. One day you will pause in a moment of frantic cleaning before someone comes to your house for the first time, and realize this is exactly what you swore you would never do! I can hear my snide teenage voice saying “Mom, if these people are your real friends, then you shouldn’t care if they see how we really live!” Does it matter? Somehow, no. When my boyfriend can’t find some random item he left on the kitchen table two weeks ago, I respond, “That’s because I put it away where it belongs! I was sick of looking at it!” I know he probably left it there for a reason, but I can’t help myself. Something takes me over! I can go for two weeks without picking anything up, but then out of nowhere I want—no, need—to have an immaculate home.

Another thing that my mother still drives me crazy with to this very day: when I am on the phone with someone she incessantly asks questions or makes statements in the background during the conversation. When I ask if she just wants to talk to the person, she shakes her head and waves me off. Here is the kicker: lately I have caught myself doing this SAME THING to my boyfriend! On multiple occasions! (As I read this back, I have to insert an apology to him right now because Joe seems to be bearing the brunt of this curse. I AM SORRY!) I can’t control myself. Now, I know that these aren’t horrible traits. God forbid I clean my home to completion. It’s just the principle of it all.

My mother is a diluted version of her mother, as I am a diluted version of her. It’s nature. I get it. But here is my biggest fear of all. They both say awkward sexual things without realizing it. Don’t know what I mean? Oh, please, let me elaborate. I am visiting my Grama one day, and she and her husband are showing me pictures from their recent barbeque. My Grama wants me to see their church organist named Dick, so she is searching for him in the stack of photos. She keeps saying “I can’t see Dick in this picture! I can’t find Dick in these pictures!” It took everything in me to hold in my laughter. On my drive home I immediately call my mom to tell her and we both enjoy hysterical laughter for a few glorious moments. The next circumstance, luckily, my mom was right there to share it with. My mom asks her mom about a vase of green leafy stick-things on her counter. My Grama proceeds to tell us about how she just “had to trim her bush”. I had to rush out of the room because I could not control myself. Ok, so my mother and I take pleasure in some laughs at my Grama’s expense, where’s the harm in that? The problem is that my mom does the same thing! She hosted a Super Bowl party last year and proceeded to ask people if they watched “the foreplay show” instead of the pre-game show. Then she said that The Saints were “getting the train run on them!” while I awkwardly exchanged knowing glances with friends. She joked with my brother about being “penis blocked” as opposed to “cock blocked”. She asked my dad what a “queef” was, and when he tried to explain it to her, she interjects her realization, “Oh! A pussy fart?” Are you kidding me?

It’s inevitable. This is going to happen to me. I cannot escape my destiny. The question now is, how do I deal with it? Can I delay the onset? I am afraid to say that there is no avoiding it. I guess I need to look on the bright side; my mother is a kind, smart, confident, assertive woman and I should be happy to be half the woman she is. I think. So ladies, take a deep breath and dive in. It may not be today, it may not happen until you have children, but it will happen to you too. [I want to end this with some awkward sexual statement that could be unintentional but I can’t think of anything… maybe that’s a good sign?]

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Inside the Cool Kids Studio

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I've come up with the best. idea. ever. I can't tell you how many times I'd sat down to try and begin thislittle adventure in blogland, and just plain didn't do it. Now I can't imagine not having this forum for creative self expression. For me, it's relaxing..I have something to say, so I say it...sometimes it's funny, sometimes it falls flat on its face, and sometimes it attempts to be thought provoking, but in the end, it's always me. So my original thought was why not give other people the opportunity to sample what its like to write a blog. But like a one-night stand blog--one time, no strings attached, and you don't have to call me in the morning. Perfect right?

Now hands down, I know some of THE coolest people inthe world. Through my travels for school, work, and play I've made lifelong friends that are located throughout the country--I mean, the best of the best. I've done some hard recruiting--phone calls, texts, promises of cars, endorsements by Nike, the works...and I've lined up what would resemble a guest list on "Inside the Cool Kids Studio" hosted by James Lipton. But not stupid James Lipton. James Lipton circa Will Ferrell, dirty stache and all.

So now begins the era of the "guest blog." From time to time, one of my fabulous friends will submit a blog about whatever the William Shatner they want to write about. And it will be fantastic. Think of it like Sh@# my dad says...but better. Welcome to "Sh#$ my friends say." Prepare to have your minds blown.

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Living life on the edge via extreme couponing.

So I stayed in Saturday night, which in and of itself is pretty lame. But what made it even more uncool was the fact that after my sister and one of our good friends ate our respective weights in brownies and ice cream...WHILE watching a chick flick... in our sweatpants, we then turned on a marathon of TLC programming. (this is an obvious cry for help..we need to get out more) TLC in my opinion stands for Totally Lame Chick shows...that I happen to adore! I could seriously watch TLC all day, every day...I don't know what it is, but I find the programming fascinating. What other channel can you watch a woman addicted to eating toilet paper, then learn about a man who weighs over 600 lbs, THEN be completely and totally entertained by crazy brides for hours on end...all in one day?!! The answer, folks, is nowhere. But I digress.

So we're watching TLC, and we catch the tail end of a show called EXTREME COUPONING. (cue superhero voice announcer accompanied by celebratory trumpeting) Now I am a firm believer in clipping coupons (or coo-puns as we pronounce them in this household), or scouring the local HEB for meal deals, two-for-one promos, and buy 12 get your 13th item free giveaways. And no, it doesn't matter that I never planned to buy nor did I need 26 cans of evaporated milk, I do now..and plus, the 26th one was FREE! As we watched the show though,

I realized I really wasn't taking full advantage of

all that coupons have to offer me. I'm just an "occasional couponer"...an amateur by any standard. The woman that they were featuring subscribes to coupon shipping companies, she scours the internet for daily deals, plans HUGE 9 basket shopping expeditions, and has a stockpile room of items that would last her and her husband over 40 years!! I was in awe, extreme and utter adoration...I wanted to be this lady. Nevermind the fact that she really had no life, spent all her extra time couponing, and seemed...well..kinda off her rocker...she had so much...toilet paper. I was so envious. She turned an over $800 shopping trip into $50 with her coupons! She could leap tall building in a single bound! (no, not really, but given the right set of coupons and deal combinations, she could probably purchase a building for less than $25 AND they'd throw in a snickers to seal the deal)

So. Henceforth, I am a couponer. I bought a Sunday paper today, and clipped diligently. I estimate that if I save $5 from my coupons every week...thats approximately 260 bucks a year.. Two Benjamins and 12 Baberham Lincolns! I could easily buy that Nook I've been lusting after..or a new zoom lens...and that, my friends, is enough to convince me.

Go forth and clip young couponers. If we don't get those free items, who will? You never know when you might need 82 cans of Aquanet, and by God, you don't want to be without them when you do.

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I owe this blog entry to Morgan Freeman.

Today is the day I let you all in on my deepest. darkest. secret.

BAM! How's that for an intro to today's blog??! But seriously, it's not my deepest darkest secret (sorry to disappoint folks, maybe next time :) but it is some serious insight into who I am and what I find important out of life. Yes, be surprised, this is a somewhat serious blog topic..and I say serious very lightly because it will without a doubt be littered with snide and witty comments, possibly poking fun at my own "attempts" at seriousness haha. The topic at hand is a look at what most people call a "bucket list." We can all thank Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson for making that term what it is today in their delightful portrayal of a man facing the end of his life, vowing to live it to the fullest. (that was my best attempt at a Siskel and Ebert movie review..I'll remember to never quit my day job...very lame)

For all you bucket list virgins out there, let me explain. Essentially, the list is a record of all the things you would like to accomplish before you meet your maker, whoever that may be. The list can be composed of any dang thing you feel that you MUST do before you kick the proverbial "bucket." (AHA! So that's where the name originates!) The items can range from the very small and easy to accomplish like...make an origami turtle out of gum wrappers...OR something big like own a home, or be the first human to watch every Star Wars movie...WHILE IN SPACE! Now that's irony for you.

Now to some people, simply having a working list stored up in their head that is ever changing from time to time is more than enough. Not for this extremely Type A gal. If you know me, there's nothing I love more in this world than a good list. And not just the making of the list, but the extreme and almost abnormal satisfaction I derive from taking a thick, black marker and just crossing the heck out of whatever task, item, etc. it is that I've completed. ERGO, I have made a real bucket LIST, and now folks, I am going to share it with you. Please brace yourselves.

One of the things that I find of real personal importance is travel. The experience of surrounding yourself with unfamiliar terrain, culture, and language is something deeply

rewarding and fulfilling in my humble opinion. There is something about different people from different backgrounds exchanging information and teaching one another, whether its purposely or inadvertently that just makes me appreciate the world we live in so much more. It is because of these feelings, that the first part of my list is devoted to all of the places I would love to go before I die, both stateside and abroad.

1. Greece (Athens and the islands)
2. Ireland and Scotland
3. Paris (the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower and so much more!)
4. Italy (Rome and the surrounding areas)
5. Egypt and the Holy Land (the Great Pyramids, and Jerusalem would be amazing)
6. The Great Wall
7. The Aurora Borealis
8. Australia/New Zealand
9. Easter Island/Stonehenge
10. Spain
11. Africa
12. Brazil
13. Hawaii
14. California (wine country and the Giant Redwoods)
15. the Pacific Northwest (Oregon/Washington)
16. New York City! (get a rope! Pace..picante..anyone...?)
17. Grand Canyon
18. Las Vegas (stay up for 24 hrs--which I've never done!)
19. Disney World (don't judge, it was a childhood dream that never happened)
20. Alaska
21. Maine

Now, the remainder of my list is a random free flow of ideas that I had one night when I was having what I like to call a semi-mid life crisis. I was approaching a tough birthday, and pondering what in the crap I had done with my life (all 27 years of it), and decided that I needed more of a plan..I needed to feel like I had done something, ANYTHING worthwhile with my life...So the rest of these items are things that I think I will find deeply satisfying when I look back at my life at the age of 100 (yes, I WILL live to be 100, just you watch). Some of these items I've completed already, (quick pat on the back to myself), which I've highlighted in red for easy understanding :)

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Swim with sharks (yes, i know, two very different experiences, lol)
3. go skydiving
4. RUN A MOTHERFREAKIN MARATHON
5. become fluent in Spanish
6. become fluent in sign language
7. take a cross country road trip
8. go scuba diving
9. see the ball drop in NYC
10. white water raft in Colorado
11. watch all of AFI's Top 100 movies
12. Drive down Lombard St. in San Francisco
13. Live/work in a foreign country at some point
14. attend a World Cup
15. own a home
16. throw a fantastically fancy and fun dinner party
17. take up the practice of yoga
18. Have a white christmas
19. give $1000 to a charity I believe in
20. be a vegetarian for at least one month
21. jump from a cliff into deep water
22. ride on a motorcycle
23. spend one christmas helping others
24. ride in a hot air balloon
25. read the entire Bible
26. cook Julia Child's most difficult recipe!
27. spend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
28. stay in a haunted hotel
29. START A SONOFABISCUITEATIN BLOG!
30. complete a mission trip
31. pay for a stranger in line
32. GIVE A HOMELESS PERSON FOOD
33. drive the Pacific Coast highway in a convertible

So there's my personal list! Whew! It's quite ambitious I know, but there's no time like the present to get started chipping away at my mountain until its just a tinnnnny molehill, and all I'll have left to do is jump off a cliff. (which I know will be my last thing because I'm DEATHLY afraid of heights...more than the average bear) My question to you folks out there in cyber land is, what now?? Which items do you think I should tackle this year on my list?? The ones I have highlighted in green are those that I'm contemplating trying to complete this year, so send me your votes on which ones you like best. Because right now, cozied up under a mountain of blankets, with my fuzzy socks to keep me warm, anything seems possible.

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Sometimes Dagnabit just doesn't cut it.

I wanted to start my first “real” blog entry with something thought provoking and insightful…I really did. But just as I was about to cozy up to my computer and lay down some deep doodoo…a discussion of dire and valid importance presented itself to me, in just about the rudest way you can imagine. I’m preparing to launch myself onto my very comfortable couch when out of NOWHERE my coffee table jumps in front of me and stubs my toe. Just like that. Not your average run of the mill stub either, I mean a stub of EPIC proportions. So I did what any normal person would do and let out the most satisfying stream of expletives known to mankind, at the top of my lungs of course, (sorry neighbors) all the while grabbing my toe and hopping around the living room on one foot. You know, you’ve been there at least once in your life. That first initial split second when you think to yourself “did that really just happen?” and then the pain takes over and you think “yep. that. just. happened.” My point here is that there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that takes the pain away more than letting out a gigantically terrible cuss word. After I settled down with a bowl of hot cocoa to help keep the pain at bay, I pondered why shouting a deliciously forbidden nasty word was so magically healing? I mean it is scientific fact. Lets not debate that. Toe stub + pain+ @$#%= less pain. So that’s Point A of my topic, but bear with me, because my thought process then lead to a Point B, which was that even though nothing is better than screaming the true version of your dirty word of choice, there are always situations when this is unacceptable. Like maybe a Bar Mitzvah, or in the middle of a slam poetry reading…or something. So if you’re like me, and not a chronic abuser of dirty words, you’re always looking for alternatives to the worst of the worst. Like, for example, “SONOFABISCUITEATER!!” or the always-entertaining “SONOFAMOTHERLESSGOAT!!”…maybe even “SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!!” Really, the options are endless. And don’t think for one second I didn’t Google “alternatives to cuss words” for other witty suggestions…because I most certainly did. I thought it polite and in good taste to share this list with you all, so that you may be better prepared the next time you’re in a situation where the use of your go-to word is highly frowned upon. Though you and I both know, that sometimes “dagnabit” just won’t cut it…and well..in that case, you go on with your bad self.

Courtesy of http://www.clarksco.com/trivia/curse/index.php

1. Beeotch

2. Cheese and Crackers

3. Cheese and Rice

4. Cheeses

5. Crud

6. Dag Nab It

7. Darn

8. Diablo

9. F-ing

10. Farging Icehole

11. Fiddle Sticks

12. For Rice Cakes!

13. Freaking

14. Frickin 'A

15. Fudge

16. Geez

17. Gosh Darnit

18. Heck

19. Holy Cow!

20. Horse pucky

21. Jiminy Crickits!

22. Judas Priest

23. Kawabunga

24. Piddle

25. Pluck it

26. Poo

27. Shaving Cream

28. Sheesh

29. Shitaki mushrooms

30. Shiznit

31. Shucks

32. Shut the front door

33. Son of a Gun

34. Son of a Mother

35. Son of a biscuit eater

36. Son of a motherless goat

37. Sons a' Guns

38. Sufferin Succotash

39. Sugar

40. Sunny beach

41. Tinkle

42. William Shatner

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I suppose you're going to want to know why...

As much as I'd like to jump in and just start in wholeheartedly by rambling away on any number of vaguely interesting topics (well..interesting at least to me) I realize that every good body of writing begins at the beginning...which is the most logical place to start. An intro, I feel, is necessary. The first question is always why? Why a blog? Why do you feel you have anything remotely interesting to say about anything that is going on in this world? My answer is well, if minimally intelligent 15 year olds can muse about the differences in dog poop texture, smell, and size based on breed(yes, this is a blog I found..that has a legitimate following)...well then..why can't I? Not about dog turds of course (though I can't promise that topic won't turn up at some point) but maybe over the course of my short span of life thus far, I've learned something valuable. If not, at least you can always laugh at my lack of creativity, and give yourself a silent pep talk, using myself as the prime example of "it could always be worse" scenarios lol. I won't go on about all my grandiose plans about the many topics I see myself blabbering about, (I mean that is what the about this blog section is for after all, right?) but I will give you a sneak peek at the cast and crew of this particular girl's amateur hour...just so you know who I'm talking about for future reference :)

Sister--Best Friend and Current Roomie #1 Boyfriend and Sometimes Roomie #2

Animal Child #1--Lexi

Animal Child #2--Joogee

That's it. That's the beginning. I've laid down the intro track, got an outline all ready to go in my head. All I've got to do is put pen to paper and start yakking. Or finger to keyboard...or..you know what I mean.

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