Naked Man-Babies Pooping Rainbows...

Everyone knows that Valentine’s Day began when a naked man-child with beautiful feathery wings went around shooting people with arrows, and pooping rainbows and butterflies for all of the

villagers to behold.

No? Well, then I’ve had the story wrong this whole time.

But seriously, nowadays (yes I just used the word nowadays) you'd be hard pressed to find a person who could tell you where it originated and why exactly we still celebrate this holiday in the current day and age. If polled, I'm sure at least 42% of the voters out there believe that it began when Emperor Hallmarkus set out on his quest to dominate the world of greeting cards with his gladiators, lions, and and Braveheart-esque warriors. (and yes, I also know I'm mixing historical war references here, but its my blog, and I'll do what I want)

In my opinion, its become a ridiculously over-commercialized holiday, in which couples feel obligated to purchase lavish gifts for one another as tokens of their appreciation. Somewhat vaguely reminiscent of a scene from a recent romantic comedy, it goes a little something like this:

Ashton Kutcher as Adam (holding balloon with the word congrats on it): "It's for you."

Natalie Portman as Emma: "Congrats? For what? Having sex with you?"

Adam: "Yeah, you did a really good job so I thought you deserved a balloon."

The flowers, candy, jewelry, electronics or whatever your weapon of choice, is for some people, an obligatory "congratulations balloon." A "thank you for putting up with me" gift. Now don't get me wrong, before I start to sound like a bitter old valentine-less cat lady, I must state a disclaimer...I STILL CELEBRATE VALENTINE'S DAY. I just don't necessarily think that all of the fluff, and pomp and circumstance, and expensiveness is required to show someone that you care.

Enough of my personal railings against society's expectations, and commercialism, and "stick it to the man" agenda. I know you are all dying to know the true meaning behind Valentine's Day, so yes, I’ll enlighten all you heathens out there. Keep in mind though, this is just one of the various legends that are out there, albeit the most widely accepted. You're welcome in advance for this Cliff's Notes kid friendly history lesson.

Once upon a time, in Ancient Rome, (3rd century to be exact), the EVIIIILLLL Emperor Claudius II decided that the soldiers in his army made better fighters when they had no special lady friends or families to worry about back home. The Emperor decreed a ban against the marriage of all young men, and rumor has it that the kindly Bishop Valentine began secretly uniting young couples in matrimony. Valentine was eventually arrested, and executed on...you guessed it, February 14th 270 A.D.

And that, my friends, is the brief history of how Valentine's Day began.

Sadly, there were no little naked man-babies to be had (and I'm still wondering where that guy came into the picture). So now that you know how it all started, maybe you'll catch the romantic bug, and replace your wallet with a pen, and opt for letting your significant other know how you feel with words rather than expensive gifts.

As for me and my special someone, we’ll spend the day enjoying each other’s company, treating each other to something we enjoy, and taking some time to say those things that we all too often forget to say during those boring unromantic 364 OTHER days of the year. Happy Valentines Day!